This course has one purpose: to help divorcing parents effectively care for their children and themselves during and after a divorce.

Divorce is part of our culture. You don’t have to look far for it: movies, talk shows, books, and the Internet are overflowing with information about the causes and impact of divorce. Most people hold preconceived ideas about divorce, what it means and how it affects their lives and the lives of their children. One goal of this book is to provide practical information and strategies for divorcing parents. Another aim is to debunk some limiting, stereotypical, and outdated beliefs about divorce and raising healthy children.

Most people know there will be changes in their lives. Few, however, recognize just how significant and unsettling these changes may be. The good news is that not all changes are bad, even if changes of any kind take some getting used to. The decision to divorce starts a chain of events that occur over time. The choices you make during that time greatly affect how well your children adjust and whether they develop any significant or lasting difficulties. Taking the time to read and think about the ideas presented here should be helpful. Learning about the emotional, psychological, physical, and legal aspects of divorce will help you and your children deal with the inevitable changes associated with a divorce.

The number of single-parent families in America continues to increase, as it has for the last 25 years. Most experts agree that roughly one out of every two marriages end in divorce. Of second marriages, between fifty and sixty percent end in divorce. Forty percent of remarriages never make it past their 4th year. Overall, it’s estimated that one million children per year experience the impact of divorce. More important than these statistics, most experts agree that continued conflict between parents is the most harmful aspect of divorce and the most detrimental to children.

Effective co-parenting (and that term embodies a variety of concepts and behaviors) is critical. It can be the most powerful antidote to the stress on children. Depending on their age, it is not uncommon for children to feel rejected, abandoned, confused, and hurt. Parents may feel overwhelmed by their own stress and emotions. However, it is crucial for parents to recognize their children’s age-appropriate needs and take the steps necessary to reassure children that their parental roles will continue.

The degree of stress that children experience during a divorce usually increases with any additional turmoil in the family, which can easily result from parents’ own distress. Problems begin to fade as parents regain their own emotional stability and can provide more nurturance and support. For this reason, parents must remember to be parents first and foremost with respect to their children before, during, and after the termination of marriage. Generally speaking, problem behavior in children can range from nonexistent to prolonged difficulty years after the divorce is final. There is no such thing as a typical divorce, however, and you must find out what works and is effective for your individual family.

Most research and experience tells us that children successfully adjust to divorce if parents create specific necessary conditions. For example, open, age-appropriate communications, clear boundaries and limits, and stable routines all help children develop the internal controls necessary for healthy adjustment. Problems appear in families who are chronically stressed with instability and continued open conflict. Current life circumstances can play a critical role in children’s long-term problems. In the next chapter, we begin the discussion on the stages of divorce and what parents can do to begin to create a healthy and stable home environment for their children.

Case Study

Our first case study concerns Mark (51), a successful financial analyst, and his wife Kathy (48). When they had their first child, James (now 9), both agreed that Kathy would give up her part-time job as a bookkeeper. This arrangement worked out well and allowed the couple to raise James in a loving and comfortable environment.

Mark’s job meant that financial matters were never a major issue and the couple were able to move into an area they had always wanted to live.  Over time however, cracks began to appear in their relationship and ten years into their marriage, Mark admitted that he had been unfaithful.
Kathy’s response was to file for divorce and this was soon granted. Although both found the situation particularly stressful, their ultimate fear concerned how James would be affected in the long-term. That is why they came to me.

James is now 11 and, as we have discussed, the crucial response required here was that both parents assert their parental roles such that James did not equate his parent’s divorce with a separation that involved him. He needed to know that both parents intended to continue being parents. This may seem pretty obvious, but I find that parents need to be reminded to make this explicit to their children of this age.

There were, as always, complications. Mark had traditionally been the bread-winner in the family up until the divorce, and this left Kathy in a precarious position. Kathy had to decide whether to seek out independent employment, or have faith that Mark would remain committed to their agreement concerning child support.

This is a classic scenario that one encounters post-divorce, but it need not be a constant source of angst for either party. Ex-partners that respect one another are more than capable of reaching basic financial agreements concerning their children, and fortunately, Mark is an example of a father aware of his duties. This is not always true, and there are times when single-parents find themselves fending for their children alone. This worst-case scenario presents a different set of difficulties, and we will deal with them later.

In this case study, the solution was linked to ironing out the precise and exact responsibilities of each parent, and this involved communication between both sides. So I knew to place the emphasis on reassurance and avoid placing blame on either party in order for the most important person in the process to be addressed: namely James.

In turn, I helped them to develop ways to get this message across to James in a language that was appropriate for his age, and to this particular end, they were successful.  I suggested they speak in terms that were appropriate for an eleven-year old. It was not necessary for them to share every detail of their marital struggles and subsequent divorce with James. It was, however, most important for them to share how the divorce was in no way his fault.   They needed to reassure him that they will always love him and be part of his life. I also reminded them that James, like all kids, will have different feelings and understandings about the divorce as he gets older. It was not necessary for him to have an adult understanding when he was only eleven years old.

Through our counseling sessions, Kathy and Mark developed a positive parenting plan that allowed them to clearly delineate boundaries, responsibilities and duties. They decided to equally share tasks, and on this basis, allow each parent quality-time to spend with James. They agreed that the best solution was to set out what they expected from each other, and to make clear to one another than any problems that might arise would be openly discussed. They even made a contingency plan for (inevitable but normal) disagreements that would provide ways for them to make compromises.  We also predicted areas of potential conflict and strategized about some possible outcomes. Such areas included, future dating and dealing with unexpected expenses, among others.

In opening up this space for effective communication, Kathy and Mark ironed out a monthly planner, but also made sure there was a degree of flexibility in their plan. These days they remain divorced, but James is well-looked after, and is growing into a healthy young teenager due to the foresight and level-headedness of his parents.