The courts in this country are responsible for handling the legal aspects of divorce. One or both parents retaining an attorney or family mediator usually begins the legal process of divorce. Some couples inform their attorney from the start that they want a fair and equal settlement and to minimize conflict. This approach is recommended. To accomplish this, find an attorney accustomed to working this way, one who helps mediate differences and works toward collaboration and compromise. This will be in everyone’s best interest. A good way to choose an attorney is by getting a referral from a trusted friend or colleague. You will probably want to interview several attorneys, making sure you feel comfortable with their approach. Do not feel bullied into retaining an attorney not to your liking. Many attorneys will do an initial consultation for free, so you can decide if they will represent you effectively given the specifics of your situation.

In most states, proceeding with the dissolution of marriage requires that couples begin dealing with some difficult issues. These include financial support, visitation, and dividing up marital assets. In many instances, parents settle these issues on their own or with their attorneys’ assistance outside of court. Family-court judges prefer that divorcing parents settle their issues before reaching the courtroom, reserving formal trials as a last resort.

Should we use a mediator?
While many people still opt to retain their own attorneys, more and more couples are looking for alternatives to the traditional adversarial divorce. Today, many couples consult family mediators to assist with sensitive child-sharing and custody arrangements. Mediation is the process of finding a mutually acceptable settlement to the disputed issues in the divorce. It is a cooperative method,,while attorneys often become adversarial. Mediators are individuals who have specialized training in conflict resolution, and they can either be court appointed or retained directly by divorcing spouses.

The mediator’s job is to help couples resolve their various logistical sticking points without getting bogged down in personal conflict. In a safe, non-threatening environment, an effective mediator will help identify important issues, consider both parents’ perspective and opinions, and ease conflict around differences or painful topics. When parents begin old patterns of arguing and disagreeing, a skilled mediator will keep the focus on the issues at hand and remind parents that attacking one another is not helpful to the mediation process, nor to the health and well-being of their children. Keep in mind that roughly 96 percent of all divorces filed never go to trial but are settled beforehand. Therefore, if you can work from a reasonable balance of power and compromise, it makes sense to work out your settlement together with a skilled negotiator, rather than under pressure from the court.

General Legal Terms and Concepts
(Keep in mind that these will vary from state to state.)

Parental Responsibility Shared parental responsibility is an arrangement in which both parents have full and shared parental rights and responsibilities regarding their child/children. In addition, parents are strongly encouraged to reach agreement on the foreseeable major decisions that will affect their child’s welfare. Shared parental responsibility is the way many divorced cases are settled.

Sole parental responsibility is the legal term for one parent being awarded and assuming complete care, custody, and decision-making for child rearing. Sole parental custody is usually awarded only if shared responsibility would be harmful to the child. The standards for awarding sole parental responsibility are based on the best interests of the child (explained below). It’s important to recognize that an award of sole parental responsibility does not preclude the court from entering an order for child support or visitation.

In a divorce settlement specifying shared parental responsibility, one parent is designated the primary residential parent and the other the secondary residential parent. These designations are separate from the issue of custody, and each parent has the right and responsibility for day-to-day decisions affecting the child’s health, maintenance, and welfare while in that parent’s care.

The primary residential parent is ultimately responsible for co-coordinating the needs of the child and ensuring that the child is enrolled in school, has proper inoculations, medical treatment, clothing, food, etc. This parent’s residence is the child’s legal address for school-attendance purposes; in practice, the child generally spends more time at this residence, but the primary residential parent is not necessarily the custodial parent. After considering all relevant facts, the courts generally give each parent the same consideration in determining the primary residential parent.

Secondary residential parent means the parent who maintains full rights and responsibilities, but whose residence is not listed as the legal address of the child. The child will spend time in this residence during periods mutually agreed upon by the parents or ordered by the court. Secondary residential parents have the right to:

• Visitation and communication with the child (unless a court orders otherwise)
• The right to participate in providing the child with a sound moral, social, economic, and educational environment
• The right to access to school, medical, and other records
• The right to authorize emergency medical treatment
• Other rights that may vary from state to state or from case to case

The secondary residential parent’s responsibilities are roughly the same as those of the primary residential parent:

• Providing a sound moral, social, economic, and educational environment
• Consulting with the primary residential parent on questions related to religious upbringing, discipline, financial matters, moral training, social and recreational activities, and non-emergency medical and dental care
• Notifying the other parent promptly of any serious illness or accident
• Making all reasonable efforts to communicate with the other parent and encourage and facilitate communication between the child and the other parent

Best interests of the child In every state, the court’s primary concern in addressing child-related issues is the best interests of the child. The needs of children will be placed ahead of the needs of the parents in the divorce settlement. It is best if both parents are comfortable with the arrangement they have worked out and can implement it with a high level of confidence. When parents are unable to accomplish this on their own, the best interests of children are left to the court. Individual states’ exact definitions vary, but they generally include some or all of the following:

• The wishes of the parents, assuming they are determined to be fit
• The wishes of the child (in many states, the courts have been known to consider the wishes of children as young as 11 years old)
• The interaction of the child with parents and siblings
• The child’s current living situation and adjustment in the home, school, and community
• The mental and physical health and stability of the individuals involved
• The parent who is more actively fostering a healthy relationship with the other parent
• The parent who prioritizes the child’s needs and minimizes personal agendas
• The perceived stability of a given residence and the ability of a parent to preserve existing family lifestyle and activities if such are deemed proper and healthy to the child/children.
• Whether either parent has failed to make all child-support payments, including any debts under a child-support order
• Whether either parent previously has been convicted of or pleaded guilty to any criminal offense involving child abuse or neglect
• Whether either parent has established a residence, or is planning to establish a residence, outside the home state

The Guardian ad Litem
In determining the best interests of the child, courts often appoint a Guardian ad Litem to investigate the child’s situation and make a recommendation to the court. The Guardian ad Litem (usually an attorney or specially trained layperson) has a duty to act on behalf of the child, advocating the child’s wishes if the child is old enough to express a preference. He or she is responsible for protecting the child from the effects of adversarial court proceedings; monitoring agencies and individuals who provide health, education, and social services to the child; collecting records and reporting to the court; and ensuring that the child’s wishes are presented to the court. The Guardian ad Litem’s recommendation is not binding on the court, but the court usually considers the Guardian’s recommendation.

Filing for a Modification of Child Support in Nebraska –

Each district court has specific local rules that may apply in your case. Check with the Clerk of the District Court in your county. If you fail to follow the local rules, you may not be able to finish your case.

If you are representing yourself you must fill out all the forms. The clerk of the district court cannot help you fill out any legal forms.

Modifying a child support order can be complicated.  Although it is up to you to decide whether and how you use a lawyer in your modification, the law does allow you to request a modification without a lawyer.  Another option is to hire a lawyer to do only part of your case.  This is called Limited Scope Representation.  To find out more about Limited Scope Representation click on this link: https://nebraskajudicial.gov/self-help/limited-scope-representation/people-wanting-limited-legal-assistance or here http://nefindalawyer.com/.

A substantial amount of personal information is needed when completing modification forms.  It is best to gather all of the information you will need before you begin the process. A copy of the most recent child support order in your case may have a great deal of the information that you will need.  Use the Modification Worksheet to gather your information. This can be found at https://supremecourt.nebraska.gov/sites/default/files/DC-6-14-3.pdf

For a complete list of forms and directions on how to file the forms, please visit…
https://supremecourt.nebraska.gov/self-help/families-children/modification-child-support

Visitation
Like child support, visitation rights are defined by state law, and courts need to be able to show reasons for denying or modifying the visitation rights of non-custodial or secondary residential parents. There is a wide variety of visitation schedules and arrangements, including various ways of handling holidays, vacations, special family times, and other scheduling issues. You’ll need to explore with your children, your co-parent, and your attorney or mediator what works best for your family and situation. The rights and responsibilities of raising kids should be shared between parents, who should also encourage frequent contact with the other parent and act cooperatively and respectfully toward one another. If either parent repeatedly fails to observe an agreed-upon visitation schedule, or does other things that can be shown to interfere with a child’s health and well-being, the court can change visitation rights or legal custody. If your co-parent repeatedly fails to pick up or return your children as agreed, keep careful notes on what’s happened and when, and contact your attorney or mediator for assistance. As tempting as it may be to withhold child support (or to withhold visitation if child support is not being paid as ordered), that kind of retaliation really only hurts the child. Worse, the result may be that both parents wind up in trouble with the court—and there’s nothing in the law that says both parents can’t lose custody altogether. It’s best to stay focused on the issue at hand and work with the legal system to address the best interests of your child.

Final Judgment
The final judgment is a document signed by the judge, officially ending the marriage and defining the terms of the divorce by court order. This document specifies:

• Division of assets and debts
• Child-custody and parental-responsibility assignments
• Alimony and child-support payments, where applicable
• Responsibility for financial issues like provision of health insurance and life insurance
• Financial and legal rights like visitation and tax exemptions
• Other issues that can vary from case to case

Modification A modification is a change in the final judgment based on a request from either party and approved by the divorce judge. Only an extraordinary and substantial change in circumstances will merit a modification, and either spouse may file a petition to modify the final judgment. Different petitions apply to changes requested in different parts of the final judgment; two examples are the Supplemental Petition to Modify Custody or Visitation and Other Relief, and the Supplemental Petition for Modification of Child Support. These forms are available from attorneys and mediators, or from the Web site of your state courts

Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is a process that can occur between two parents who are consciously or unconsciously trying to influence the children at the emotional expense of the other parent. Named by Dr. Richard Gardner, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other parent. In severe cases, the child’s once love-bonded relationship with the target parent is destroyed. If, however, the reason(s) for the alienation can be substantiated by documented abuse or neglect, then the alienation is necessary for the child’s safety and well-being, and PAS would not be an appropriate designation or explanation for the children’s feelings or the alienating parent’s actions.

Financial Issues
Divorce means more than physically separating as a family. It also means separating your family finances. Both types of separation can bring great emotional stress. You will be better off financially, however, if you can keep your emotions from influencing your financial decisions. At the very least, you will be able to make better financial decisions for yourself and your children. The following information will help familiarize you with some issues that accompany the division of finances during a divorce. It is not intended as a complete guide or as a substitute for legal or financial advice.

How do we begin to separate financially? 

During a marriage, one spouse usually takes primary responsibility for managing finances and keeping financial records. If you are not well informed, this is your opportunity to be involved in your financial affairs. Many people feel anxious when considering finances, but realize that it is mostly about gathering information and making decisions. The sooner you begin participating in your financial decisions, the sooner you will have the peace of mind that you are taking the necessary steps. Remember, knowledge provides you with a more realistic view of your financial situation as decisions are made. Even in ‘friendly’ divorces, you should not rely on fate to determine what to do about shared property or joint accounts. Be aware that accounts shared jointly can be accessed by both parties. In addition, each person authorized to use a credit card can run up an extensive bill. Try to be objective about your situation and use some common sense. Your immediate goal is to reduce your financial ties to the person you are divorcing; your ultimate goal is to create two financially separate households. While it is usually impossible to sever all financial ties, you can greatly reduce the areas where you are at risk. Seek the advice of an accountant or financial planner to help you learn about various financial issues.

How do we divide property?
In general, each person is entitled to an equitable or fair distribution of the property. Property includes automobiles, homes, and furniture, in addition to possessions such as cash-value insurance policies, pension funds, savings accounts, etc. As you negotiate the division of property, think about your needs and the needs of your children, as well as the financial consequences of your decisions. Frequently, material items that you valued during your marriage may have little value once you are divorced. It is not uncommon for people to spend a great deal of time arguing over material possessions. It can also be a ready-made battleground for continuing past marital arguments. Choose your battles carefully, and realize that you will be making some concessions when it comes to material possessions. Ultimately, you and your children will be better off if you can minimize the conflict around dividing property and material possessions.

How should we deal with debt?
When you divorce, you divide not only property, but debt as well. In general, you both are responsible for paying any debts acquired during the marriage. Managing debt issues carefully during the divorce process may lead to less conflict and a more stable environment for you and your children. You should act promptly to close all joint credit cards or other lines of joint credit. Be sure to establish credit in your own name before doing so. Often, you can open an individual account when you close a joint one. A credit card can help you through some short-term emergencies during the divorce transition. However, avoid saying, ‘charge it,’ rather than making necessary cuts in spending after divorce. Make a list of the outstanding balances on any credit cards or other debts. Get the address of a credit bureau from the phone book and request a credit report to make sure you are aware of all open accounts. Once the divorce is filed, debts should be divided between you and your spouse, and each person should be responsible for payment of his/her debt.

Remember that even after the divorce is final, creditors may attempt to collect on debts from both partners. A divorce decree will be honored by the courts, but it may not matter to collectors—their goal is to collect the money. It is not always possible to remove your name from a joint debt until the debt has been paid in full. Finding out what your options are and remaining aware of your financial situation can help ease the financial separation that comes with the divorce process. This process will take time, but the payoff is a brighter financial future.

How do I handle my ex’s failure to make timely child-support payments?
One potential problem with respect to finances involves late payment or non-payment of child support. While it is tempting for parents to consider withholding visitation rights in this circumstance, it is never a good idea. Experts agree that withholding visitation does children more harm than good, and it risks getting yourself into legal trouble as well. Instead, you should attempt to resolve the matter with the other parent directly. If you are unsuccessful, consult an attorney to help enforce correct and timely childsupport payments. Be aware that you still have a responsibility to your children as you are dealing with stressful financial situations. Realize that your children will be aware of your angry feelings, even if you do not openly bad-mouth the other parent. Children of all ages know how parents feel toward one another, regardless of what is said.

In summary, be aware that finances are a big consideration when divorcing. Parents who can discuss financial issues calmly and fairly will ultimately save money. Remember to get professional advice where appropriate. In addition, realize that your children will fare much better and feel more secure when they see you handling adult matters (such as financial issues) with fairness, dignity, and respect.

Case Study

One of the most difficult issues to navigate when going through a divorce is the legal side of things. A few years back I had a case involving Damien (31) and Michelle (29). They had been happily married for seven years before it was discovered that Michelle had been having a long-standing affair with a co-worker. Damien was furious and underneath the anger, of course, was hurt. After a brief course of ineffective traditional marriage counseling, he decided to file for divorce.

Like many people in this situation, Damien sought out an attorney. However, he first asked his brother to act as a mediator since he wanted to reduce legal costs as much as possible. Fortunately for Damien, his brother was training to be a lawyer, and so had at least some familiarity with legal matters.
Damien and Michelle had just had a newborn baby a few months before the revelation of the affair, and so, on the suggestion of Damien’s brother, they sought out counseling. Not to figure out how to stay together, but rather to figure out how to transition out of the relationship in a loving and healthy way. Although this was both of their stated wishes, their initial presentation was that they were headed for a very contentious divorce. It soon became apparent they had marital issues long before the revelation of the affair.

Like many couples, Damien and Michelle came in with their own ideas about custody. They soon learned that in their state, there was no such thing as sole custody but rather shared parental custody. We also discussed various issues related to visitation schedules and finances. I told Michelle, like I tell all couples in divorce counseling, they can decide some of these issues themselves, or pay to have attorneys help decide for them. I also reminded them that they would be more likely to stick with a system of their own construction, rather than one that was imposed on them from attorneys.

So much of Damien’s initial anger and frustration was because he was hurt by Michelle’s affair. We openly discussed the affair in ways that allowed Damien to express his emotions. At the same time, Michelle got the opportunity to discuss how she felt pushed to look outside the marriage to get her needs met. These were difficult conversations, fraught with a lot of intense emotion and they took a lot of courage to have. However, it was important that they arrive at some understandings to allow them to move past a very painful situation. It was through these conversations that this couple was able to realize the opportunities available to them as parents   as they strive to be happy. They were able to clear away the hurt and frustration and this couple was able to make great strides toward providing a stable environment for their child, as well as themselves.

This couple also used our counseling sessions to talk about some serious issues concerning how best to raise their daughter. At first I was worried that they were a little immature, but I came to realize they were just in shock at how fast their marriage had disintegrated after making such a large commitment to raise a child together. Whenever I find myself judging clients, I am reminded that divorce takes good people and sometimes causes them to do destructive things. It is the process itself, that can take otherwise responsible people, and reduce them to making poor choices for themselves and their children.
Once Damien and Michelle both realized the severity of the situation, they decided it was best to divide up assets based on the needs of their newborn. This drastically reduced the tension between the parties, and from there, a firm basis for dialogue was soon established.

Damien set out immediately to find work in order to able to pay child support, but to also clear the debt the couple had accumulated over the years. Although the parties retained a cold personal relationship, they had finally learned how to deal with one another in a formal, official capacity as the parents of a young child.

During my sessions with this, couple Damien missed one payment, and Michelle feared he had gone off the rails. I arranged another meeting, and found out that Damien had lost his job. With a few more sessions he was energized again, and quickly found employment. Upon a 6-month follow-up, he had not failed to meet another obligation or payment related to his daughter Macy (now age 2).