What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting is a phrase used to describe parents who together take on the socialization, care, and upbringing of children for whom they share equal responsibility. It means learning to make decisions together that both serve their children’s best interests and avoid putting them in the middle. Most serious problems occur when children are stuck in the middle of divorced parents who hate (or at least act like they hate) one another. Our recommendation (not something all parents want to hear) is that kids need both parents. In addition, experts in child development agree that in most cases, children will thrive best when there is input from both a mother and a father. While some may question this, there is little doubt that most damage to children in divorce results from being stuck in the middle of warring parents.

Studies have shown that when there is high conflict between parents, kids who have more frequent contact with a non-custodial parent fare WORSE than kids who see the non-custodial parent less frequently. This happens because there are more opportunities for these parents to argue and fight with one another in the presence of their children. It is not easy to collaborate with someone you dislike or hate. At the same time, remember, this is about your children.

Begin with the realization that healthy children have positive relationships with both parents. Your job is to begin focusing on those areas (however small they may seem) where you can feel positive about the other parent and what he or she has to offer your children. All parents have something to offer. Nurturing the seeds of what is good in the other parent can often help more positive things grow. This means that whatever good that parent has to offer should have some pathway of getting through to the child. Step back and look at your ex-spouse in the role of a parent. Many people make lousy husbands or wives but have the potential to be terrific parents. Don’t assume that the parent he or she was in your marriage will be the same parent once you are divorced. Remember also that in some ways, your child identifies with your ex-spouse. On some very basic level, children have a sense that they are 50% Mom and 50% Dad. Any trashing of your ex inadvertently trashes 50% of your child. Also, children have a shared history with both parents, and a shared present and future. Your ex-spouse is an important part of your children’s lives, and just as you would help your children succeed in school or sports, it is important to help them succeed in that relationship.

Encourage the other parent to stay involved in the children’s school and extra-curricular activities. Respect your child’s needs to have both parents there, without making them worry about the embarrassment of a public fight. If you cannot be civil with one another, work out an arrangement where your child does not have to witness ongoing conflict. If exchanging the children is problematic, you can find creative ways to minimize your contact with each other. You can arrange for someone else to send and pick up the children, or arrange the exchange at a neutral place. The key is to let your children go back and forth between homes with ease, rather than going through a minefield of conflict.

How do I deal with a parent who is sabotaging my co-parenting efforts?
Dealing with a parent who will not cooperate or negotiate under any circumstances is extremely frustrating. It can also make it difficult for you to make good decisions. It is all too easy to sink to the uncooperative parent’s level and make choices not in your children’s best interests. For example, one parent communicating adult issues through a child can tempt the other parent to do the same. Resist the urge to do this, and keep doing the right thing. Making good choices for your children must be your focus. Parents often wait years for the payoff, but it will be worth it.

It is never too early to begin working on your negative feelings toward your ex-spouse. Having angry or painful feelings about your ex is not the problem. The problem comes when parents don’t find appropriate ways of expressing and dealing with these away from their children. It is best to have a support system of family and friends, as well as a trusted mental-health professional with whom you can process these feelings appropriately. Don’t expect to get through negative feelings overnight. Most parents report a back-and-forth process between negative feelings and a sense of resolve. Remember that this happens over time, and you have to find your own timetable. Parents who avoid dealing with these difficult feelings merely prolong the suffering for themselves and their children.

Parents who are unwilling to cooperate on any level usually have unresolved anger, grief, sadness, or all of the above. One parent’s unresolved feelings can create an emotional atmosphere that prevents both parents from remaining child-focused. Do not stoop to that level. Historical arguments are better left behind; leave the issues of your marriage in the past and resist playing out those never-ending conversations that just leave everyone frustrated, angry, and tired. Everyone feels the lure of these arguments, but they are dead-ends to cooperative parenting. Simply refuse to engage in such conversations, and continually stress that you are interested in communicating about what is currently affecting your child’s life. Doing this consistently may help, in that at least you (and your children) won’t have to be exposed to these dead-end conversations.

If you are stuck dealing with a difficult parent, especially when there is a pending court case, it is a good idea to keep good records of all your interactions. Keep track of whether they are keeping their commitments to any original agreements regarding custody, visitation, appointments, and providing consistent positive messages to the children.

Importance of Maternal and Paternal Relative Access

518.1752 GRANDPARENT VISITATION.

In all proceedings for dissolution or legal separation, after the commencement of the proceeding or at any time after completion of the proceedings, and continuing during the minority of the child, the court may make an order granting visitation rights to grandparents under section 257C.08, subdivision 2.

One advantage of co-parenting is the opportunity for your child to have an increased relationship with both sets of grandparents.  The Parenting Plan discussed in the post-divorce family should also include grandparents and other extended family members.  It’s important to recognize that grandparents are vital in the unique developmental stages of the divorce process. If given the opportunity to participate, grandparents are more likely to become an important support resource to your children as they adjust to the divorce.  This bond can be a critical ingredient to their development. The grandparent-grandchild relationship continues after divorce and so their role in helping your children adjust to the divorce can provide a safe place for the child’s emotional needs.

An exception to the preceding discussion is when children are in jeopardy from abuse or neglect. These are the only reasons to keep a child from seeing the other parent without supervision or appropriate safeguards. When there is an element of such danger, you must get the assistance of the courts, police, and anyone mandated to become involved in protecting the safety of children. In all other disagreements, attempts to foster positive relationships with both parents must be made in the children’s best interests.

If you are faced with a parent who refuses to keep to an agreed schedule, or is putting your children at serious physical or emotional risk, then consulting with legal counsel and/or child protective agencies may be necessary. However, under no circumstances should you make a false report of abuse or neglect., Unlike abuse and neglect, bad parenting is not against the law.

Another point to keep in mind is that both of you, as parents, are experiencing changes. For example, spending time alone with your children might be a new experience for you. Sharing custody is a further adjustment, especially if you are used to having access to your kids at all times. You may feel differently about how the other parent is handling a situation from your reactions while you were married. That is normal. Likewise, your feelings and emotions as residential or non-residential parent may alter how you choose to deal with situations in the future. Try to understand that the other parent is in a different role that may prevent them from handling a situation as you think they should. Allow for differences. Your children will adjust to your parenting differences, and they may even come to appreciate such differences.

How do I begin seeing my ex in a new light?
It is not easy to develop a new perspective about your ex solely as a parent. You will most likely have some leftover negative feelings as a former spouse. It can be particularly difficult when there was a lot of stress, tension, and difficult times during the marriage. Remind yourself that your common goal now is the well-being of your children. Issues that were alive and well in your marriage can be left in the past when you are dealing with present situations. Many parents feel they are doing a good job if they are not saying bad things about the other parent in front of the kids. This is good, but it is not enough. Most kids pick up on parents’ actual feelings through subtle, usually nonverbal, cues. By getting support for yourself, you are less likely to create unhealthy messages even inadvertently. If you become overwhelmed with feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, or revenge, make special efforts to address these with members of your support system or a good practitioner of mental health.

How do I balance my children’s needs with my own needs?
Parents should realize that focusing on their own needs helps their children. Most children, regardless of their age, will feel secure if they sense their parents are emotionally healthy. Making time for yourself, while often difficult, is important. Healthy outlets include counseling with a professional therapist, meeting with friends or support groups, or any activity that brings you pleasure. Neglecting yourself makes it difficult to be effective with your kids’ needs. You must have outlets for dealing with your own difficult feelings.

Be mindful that your needs and those of your children will often be very different. While you might be feeling angry, anxious, or depressed about your new living situation, it is entirely possible that your child feels a great sense of relief now that things have changed. Avoid assuming that your children feel or think exactly the way you do. Their experience of your ex is very different from your experience. That is the way it should be. Remember, the relationship your children have with both parents is different from the relationship parents have with each other. You may feel betrayed or rejected by your ex-spouse, but that may not be what your child experienced. Parents and children rarely experience a separation and divorce in exactly the same way. If you suspect you are confusing your own feelings with those of your kids, get some outside objective feedback from someone you trust.

In the next section, we will explore one important way parents can create a stable home environment for their children: a well-thought out and flexible parenting plan.

What is a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is a written proposal by a parent indicating how two parents will handle their future relationship with their child. It contains provisions on custody, visitation, decision making, and many other co-parenting responsibilities. A carefully constructed parenting plan is an important part of raising healthy children after a divorce. A parenting plan must evolve with the changing needs of your children. Therefore, it does not have to include every potential situation you may encounter. However, it must be revisited regularly to make sure it meets your family’s needs.

As stated above, an effective parenting plan will outline how both parents will maintain a close and loving relationship with their children. Although the plan should contain many specifics, it should also permit some flexibility. You should be prepared to make occasional changes to schedule or routines if it will assist your co-parent. These times should be the exception and not the rule, however. Remember, when you show flexibility and understanding, you are loving your children; ideally, your co-parent is acting in kind. If they are not, keep doing the right thing.

Below is a summary list of what should be included in a parenting plan. This list is not exhaustive, and parents should use it as a guide to construct a plan that is right for them, their children, and their particular situation (see the “Reference” section for books with comprehensive information on how to create excellent parenting plans).

Things to consider when making a parenting plan:

1. Schedules will cover time spent with both parents on weekdays, weekends, the school year, summers, birthdays, vacations, and holidays. This section should also outline how changes to the schedule will be handled.
2. Decision-making will include day-to-day decisions like eating meals and ensuring that homework is done as well as major decisions like health care and moving.
3. Information sharing will outline how parents will communicate about the variety of issues that involve their children.
4. Parent-child communication should be addressed and provisions made for how children will communicate with one parent while with the other parent.
5. Exchange of children for visitation will describe schedules and places for the effective transfer of children from one parent to the other.
6. Handling disputes will provide a brief plan for how parents should deal with the inevitable differences and conflicts that arise when raising children.

Six Keys to Successful Co-parenting

1. How you feel about your ex is less important than how you act toward him/her. Putting aside your negative feelings is definitely in the best interests of your child.
2. Respect your need for privacy and the other parent’s too. The only information that needs to be shared between co-parents is that pertaining to their children.
3. Both parents’ time with the child is sacred. Don’t make or change plans for the time your child is scheduled to spend with your ex. Honor the pre-arranged schedule.
4. Both parents have the right to develop their own parenting styles. As long as no abuse or neglect is happening, let your ex-spouse relate to your child as he or she sees fit.
5. Acknowledge what your ex-spouse has to offer your child. Remember the qualities that first attracted you. Those qualities still exist and are available to your child.
6. Expect to feel awkward and uncomfortable with this new way of relating. But keep affirming your commitment to the new relationship, and eventually your ex will begin to play by the same rules.

518.175 PARENTING TIME.

Subdivision 1.General. (a) In all proceedings for dissolution or legal separation, subsequent to the commencement of the proceeding and continuing thereafter during the minority of the child, the court shall, upon the request of either parent, grant such parenting time on behalf of the child and a parent as will enable the child and the parent to maintain a child to parent relationship that will be in the best interests of the child. The court, when issuing a parenting time order, may reserve a determination as to the future establishment or expansion of a parent’s parenting time. In that event, the best interest standard set forth in subdivision 5, paragraph (a), shall be applied to a subsequent motion to establish or expand parenting time.

(b) If the court finds, after a hearing, that parenting time with a parent is likely to endanger the child’s physical or emotional health or impair the child’s emotional development, the court shall restrict parenting time with that parent as to time, place, duration, or supervision and may deny parenting time entirely, as the circumstances warrant. The court shall consider the age of the child and the child’s relationship with the parent prior to the commencement of the proceeding.

(c) A parent’s failure to pay support because of the parent’s inability to do so shall not be sufficient cause for denial of parenting time.

(d) The court may provide that a law enforcement officer or other appropriate person will accompany a party seeking to enforce or comply with parenting time.

(e) Upon request of either party, to the extent practicable an order for parenting time must include a specific schedule for parenting time, including the frequency and duration of visitation and visitation during holidays and vacations, unless parenting time is restricted, denied, or reserved.

(f) The court administrator shall provide a form for a pro se motion regarding parenting time disputes, which includes provisions for indicating the relief requested, an affidavit in which the party may state the facts of the dispute, and a brief description of the parenting time expeditor process under section 518.1751. The form may not include a request for a change of custody. The court shall provide instructions on serving and filing the motion.

(g) In the absence of other evidence, there is a rebuttable presumption that a parent is entitled to receive a minimum of 25 percent of the parenting time for the child. For purposes of this paragraph, the percentage of parenting time may be determined by calculating the number of overnights that a child spends with a parent or by using a method other than overnights if the parent has significant time periods on separate days when the child is in the parent’s physical custody but does not stay overnight. The court may consider the age of the child in determining whether a child is with a parent for a significant period of time.

Subd. 1a.Domestic abuse; supervised parenting time. (a) If a parent requests supervised parenting time under subdivision 1 or 5 and an order for protection under chapter 518B or a similar law of another state is in effect against the other parent to protect the parent with whom the child resides or the child, the judge or judicial officer must consider the order for protection in making a decision regarding parenting time.

(b) The state court administrator, in consultation with representatives of parents and other interested persons, shall develop standards to be met by persons who are responsible for supervising parenting time. Either parent may challenge the appropriateness of an individual chosen by the court to supervise parenting time.

Subd. 2.Rights of children and parents. Upon the request of either parent, the court may inform any child of the parties, if eight years of age or older, or otherwise of an age of suitable comprehension, of the rights of the child and each parent under the order or decree or any substantial amendment thereof. The parent with whom the child resides shall present the child for parenting time with the other parent, at such times as the court directs.

Subd. 3.Move to another state. (a) The parent with whom the child resides shall not move the residence of the child to another state except upon order of the court or with the consent of the other parent, if the other parent has been given parenting time by the decree. If the purpose of the move is to interfere with parenting time given to the other parent by the decree, the court shall not permit the child’s residence to be moved to another state.

(b) The court shall apply a best interests standard when considering the request of the parent with whom the child resides to move the child’s residence to another state. The factors the court must consider in determining the child’s best interests include, but are not limited to:

(1) the nature, quality, extent of involvement, and duration of the child’s relationship with the person proposing to relocate and with the nonrelocating person, siblings, and other significant persons in the child’s life;

(2) the age, developmental stage, needs of the child, and the likely impact the relocation will have on the child’s physical, educational, and emotional development, taking into consideration special needs of the child;

(3) the feasibility of preserving the relationship between the nonrelocating person and the child through suitable parenting time arrangements, considering the logistics and financial circumstances of the parties;

(4) the child’s preference, taking into consideration the age and maturity of the child;

(5) whether there is an established pattern of conduct of the person seeking the relocation either to promote or thwart the relationship of the child and the nonrelocating person;

(6) whether the relocation of the child will enhance the general quality of the life for both the custodial parent seeking the relocation and the child including, but not limited to, financial or emotional benefit or educational opportunity;

(7) the reasons of each person for seeking or opposing the relocation; and

(8) the effect on the safety and welfare of the child, or of the parent requesting to move the child’s residence, of domestic abuse, as defined in section 518B.01.

(c) The burden of proof is upon the parent requesting to move the residence of the child to another state, except that if the court finds that the person requesting permission to move has been a victim of domestic abuse by the other parent, the burden of proof is upon the parent opposing the move. The court must consider all of the factors in this subdivision in determining the best interests of the child.

Subd. 4. [Repealed, 1996 c 391 art 1 s 6]

Subd. 5.Modification of parenting plan or order for parenting time. (a) If a parenting plan or an order granting parenting time cannot be used to determine the number of overnights or overnight equivalents the child has with each parent, the court shall modify the parenting plan or order granting parenting time so that the number of overnights or overnight equivalents the child has with each parent can be determined. For purposes of this section, “overnight equivalents” has the meaning given in section 518A.36, subdivision 1.

(b) If modification would serve the best interests of the child, the court shall modify the decision-making provisions of a parenting plan or an order granting or denying parenting time, if the modification would not change the child’s primary residence. Consideration of a child’s best interest includes a child’s changing developmental needs.

(c) Except as provided in section 631.52, the court may not restrict parenting time unless it finds that:

(1) parenting time is likely to endanger the child’s physical or emotional health or impair the child’s emotional development; or

(2) the parent has chronically and unreasonably failed to comply with court-ordered parenting time.

A modification of parenting time which increases a parent’s percentage of parenting time to an amount that is between 45.1 to 54.9 percent parenting time is not a restriction of the other parent’s parenting time.

(d) If a parent makes specific allegations that parenting time by the other parent places the parent or child in danger of harm, the court shall hold a hearing at the earliest possible time to determine the need to modify the order granting parenting time. Consistent with subdivision 1a, the court may require a third party, including the local social services agency, to supervise the parenting time or may restrict a parent’s parenting time if necessary to protect the other parent or child from harm. If there is an existing order for protection governing the parties, the court shall consider the use of an independent, neutral exchange location for parenting time.

Subd. 6.Remedies. (a) The court may provide compensatory parenting time when a substantial amount of court-ordered parenting time has been made unavailable to one parent unless providing the compensatory parenting time is not consistent with the child’s best interests.

(b) The court shall provide for one of the remedies as provided under this subdivision for (1) a repeated and intentional denial of or interference with court-ordered parenting time, or (2) a repeated and intentional failure to comply with a binding agreement or decision under section 518.1751.

(c) If the court finds that a person has been deprived of court-ordered parenting time under paragraph (b), the court shall order the parent who has interfered to allow compensatory parenting time to the other parent. When compensatory parenting time is awarded, additional parenting time must be:

(1) at least of the same type and duration as the deprived parenting time and, at the discretion of the court, may be in excess of or of a different type than the deprived parenting time;

(2) taken within one year after the deprived parenting time; and

(3) at a time acceptable to the parent deprived of parenting time.

(d) If the court finds that a party has repeatedly and intentionally denied or interfered with court-ordered parenting time or failed to comply with a binding agreement or decision under section 518.1751, the court may in addition to awarding compensatory parenting time under paragraph (c):

(1) impose a civil penalty of up to $500 on the party;

(2) require the party to post a bond with the court for a specified period of time to secure the party’s compliance;

(3) award reasonable attorney’s fees and costs;

(4) require the party who violated the parenting time order or binding agreement or decision of the parenting time expeditor to reimburse the other party for costs incurred as a result of the violation of the order or agreement or decision; or

(5) award any other remedy that the court finds to be in the best interests of the children involved.

A civil penalty imposed under this paragraph must be deposited in the county general fund and must be used to fund the costs of a parenting time expeditor program in a county with this program. In other counties, the civil penalty must be deposited in the state general fund.

(e) The court shall provide one or more of the remedies available in paragraph (d), clauses (1) to (5), if one of the following occurs:

(1) the court finds that a party has repeatedly and intentionally denied or interfered with court-ordered parenting time after a previous finding that the party repeatedly and intentionally denied or interfered with court-ordered parenting time; or

(2) the court finds that a party has failed to comply with a binding agreement or decision under section 518.1751 after a previous finding that the party failed to comply with a binding agreement or decision under section 518.1751.

(f) If the court makes written findings that any denial of or interference with court-ordered parenting time or the failure to comply with a binding agreement or decision under section 518.1751 was necessary to protect a child’s physical or emotional health, the court is not required to comply with paragraphs (b) to (e).

(g) If the court finds that a party has been denied parenting time and has incurred expenses in connection with the denied parenting time, the court may require the party who denied parenting time to post a bond in favor of the other party in the amount of prepaid expenses associated with upcoming planned parenting time.

(h) Proof of an unwarranted denial of or interference with duly established parenting time may constitute contempt of court and may be sufficient cause for reversal of custody.

(i) All parenting time orders must include notice of the provisions of this subdivision.

Subd. 7. [Renumbered 518.1752]

• Subd. 8.Additional parenting time for child care parent. The court may allow additional parenting time to a parent to provide child care while the other parent is working if this arrangement is reasonable and in the best interests of the child, as defined in section 518.17, subdivision 1. In addition, the court shall consider:

(1) the ability of the parents to cooperate;

(2) methods for resolving disputes regarding the care of the child, and the parents’ willingness to use those methods; and

(3) whether domestic abuse, as defined in section 518B.01, has occurred between the parties.

518.1751 PARENTING TIME DISPUTE RESOLUTION.

Subdivision 1. Parenting time expeditor.

Upon request of either party, the parties’ stipulation, or upon the court’s own motion, the court may appoint a parenting time expeditor to resolve parenting time disputes that occur under a parenting time order while a matter is pending under this chapter, chapter 257 or 518D, or after a decree is entered.

Subd. 1a.Exceptions.

A party may not be required to refer a parenting time dispute to a parenting time expeditor under this section if:

(1) one of the parties claims to be the victim of domestic abuse by the other party;

(2) the court determines there is probable cause that one of the parties or a child of the parties has been physically abused or threatened with physical abuse by the other party; or

(3) the party is unable to pay the costs of the expeditor, as provided under subdivision 2a.

If the court is satisfied that the parties have been advised by counsel and have agreed to use the parenting time expeditor process and the process does not involve face-to-face meeting of the parties, the court may direct that the parenting time expeditor process be used.

Subd. 1b.Purpose; definitions.

(a) The purpose of a parenting time expeditor is to resolve parenting time disputes by enforcing, interpreting, clarifying, and addressing circumstances not specifically addressed by an existing parenting time order and, if appropriate, to make a determination as to whether the existing parenting time order has been violated. A parenting time expeditor may be appointed to resolve a onetime parenting time dispute or to provide ongoing parenting time dispute resolution services.

(b) For purposes of this section, “parenting time dispute” means a disagreement among parties about parenting time with a child, including a dispute about an anticipated denial of future scheduled parenting time. “Parenting time dispute” includes a claim by a parent that the other parent is not spending time with a child as well as a claim by a parent that the other parent is denying or interfering with parenting time.

(c) A “parenting time expeditor” is a neutral person authorized to use a mediation-arbitration process to resolve parenting time disputes. A parenting time expeditor shall attempt to resolve a parenting time dispute by facilitating negotiations between the parties to promote settlement and, if it becomes apparent that the dispute cannot be resolved by an agreement of the parties, the parenting time expeditor shall make a decision resolving the dispute.

Subd. 2.Appointment.

(a) The parties may stipulate to the appointment of a parenting time expeditor or a team of two expeditors without appearing in court by submitting to the court a written agreement identifying the names of the individuals to be appointed by the court; the nature of the dispute; the responsibilities of the parenting time expeditor, including whether the expeditor is appointed to resolve a specific issue or on an ongoing basis; the term of the appointment; and the apportionment of fees and costs. The court shall review the agreement of the parties.

(b) If the parties cannot agree on a parenting time expeditor, the court shall provide to the parties a copy of the court administrator’s roster of parenting time expeditors and require the parties to exchange the names of three potential parenting time expeditors by a specific date. If after exchanging names the parties are unable to agree upon a parenting time expeditor, the court shall select the parenting time expeditor and, in its discretion, may appoint one expeditor or a team of two expeditors. In the selection process the court must give consideration to the financial circumstances of the parties and the fees of those being considered as parenting time expeditors. Preference must be given to persons who agree to volunteer their services or who will charge a variable fee for services based on the ability of the parties to pay for them.

(c) An order appointing a parenting time expeditor must identify the name of the individual to be appointed, the nature of the dispute, the responsibilities of the expeditor including whether the expeditor is appointed to resolve a specific issue or on an ongoing basis, the term of the appointment, the apportionment of fees, and notice that if the parties are unable to reach an agreement with the assistance of the expeditor, the expeditor is authorized to make a decision resolving the dispute which is binding upon the parties unless modified or vacated by the court.

Subd. 2a.Fees.

Prior to appointing the parenting time expeditor, the court shall give the parties notice that the fees of the expeditor will be apportioned among the parties. In its order appointing the expeditor, the court shall apportion the fees of the expeditor among the parties, with each party bearing the portion of fees that the court determines is just and equitable under the circumstances. If a party files a pro se motion regarding a parenting time dispute and there is not a court order that provides for apportionment of the fees of an expeditor, the court administrator may require the party requesting the appointment of an expeditor to pay the fees of the expeditor in advance. Neither party may be required to submit a dispute to a visitation expeditor if the party cannot afford to pay for the fees of an expeditor and an affordable expeditor is not available, unless the other party agrees to pay the fees. After fees are incurred, a party may by motion request that the fees be reapportioned on equitable grounds. The court may consider the resources of the parties, the nature of the dispute, and whether a party acted in bad faith. The court may consider information from the expeditor in determining bad faith.

Subd. 2b.Roster of parenting time expeditors.

Each court administrator shall maintain and make available to the public and judicial officers a roster of individuals available to serve as parenting time expeditors, including each individual’s name, address, telephone number, and fee charged, if any. A court administrator shall not place on the roster the name of an individual who has not completed the training required in subdivision 2c. If the use of a parenting time expeditor is initiated by stipulation of the parties, the parties may agree upon a person to serve as an expeditor even if that person has not completed the training described in subdivision 2c. The court may appoint a person to serve as an expeditor even if the person is not on the court administrator’s roster, but may not appoint a person who has not completed the training described in subdivision 2c, unless so stipulated by the parties. To maintain one’s listing on a court administrator’s roster of parenting time expeditors, an individual shall annually submit to the court administrator proof of completion of continuing education requirements.

Subd. 2c.Training and continuing education requirements.

To qualify for listing on a court administrator’s roster of parenting time expeditors, an individual shall complete a minimum of 40 hours of family mediation training that has been certified by the Minnesota Supreme Court, which must include certified training in domestic abuse issues as required under Rule 114 of the Minnesota General Rules of Practice for the District Courts. To maintain one’s listing on a court administrator’s roster of parenting time expeditors, an individual shall annually attend three hours of continuing education about alternative dispute resolution subjects.

Subd. 3.Agreement or decision.

(a) Within five days of notice of the appointment, or within five days of notice of a subsequent parenting time dispute between the same parties, the parenting time expeditor shall meet with the parties together or separately and shall make a diligent effort to facilitate an agreement to resolve the dispute. If a parenting time dispute requires immediate resolution, the parenting time expeditor may confer with the parties through a telephone conference or similar means. An expeditor may make a decision without conferring with a party if the expeditor made a good faith effort to confer with the party, but the party chose not to participate in resolution of the dispute.

(b) If the parties do not reach an agreement, the expeditor shall make a decision resolving the dispute as soon as possible but not later than five days after receiving all information necessary to make a decision and after the final meeting or conference with the parties. The expeditor is authorized to award compensatory parenting time under section 518.175, subdivision 6, and may recommend to the court that the noncomplying party pay attorney’s fees, court costs, and other costs under section 518.175, subdivision 6, paragraph (d), if the parenting time order has been violated. The expeditor shall not lose authority to make a decision if circumstances beyond the expeditor’s control make it impracticable to meet the five-day timelines.

(c) Unless the parties mutually agree, the parenting time expeditor shall not make a decision that is inconsistent with an existing parenting time order, but may make decisions interpreting or clarifying a parenting time order, including the development of a specific schedule when the existing court order grants “reasonable parenting time.”

(d) The expeditor shall put an agreement or decision in writing and provide a copy to the parties. The expeditor may include or omit reasons for the agreement or decision. An agreement of the parties or a decision of the expeditor is binding on the parties unless vacated or modified by the court. If a party does not comply with an agreement of the parties or a decision of the expeditor, any party may bring a motion with the court and shall attach a copy of the parties’ written agreement or decision of the expeditor. The court may enforce, modify, or vacate the agreement of the parties or the decision of the expeditor.

Subd. 4.Other agreements.

This section does not preclude the parties from voluntarily agreeing to submit their parenting time dispute to a neutral third party or from otherwise resolving parenting time disputes on a voluntary basis.

Subd. 4a.Confidentiality.

(a) Statements made and documents produced as part of the parenting time expeditor process which are not otherwise discoverable are not subject to discovery or other disclosure and are not admissible into evidence for any purpose at trial or in any other proceeding, including impeachment.

(b) Sworn testimony may be used in subsequent proceedings for any purpose for which it is admissible under the Rules of Evidence. Parenting time expeditors, and lawyers for the parties to the extent of their participation in the parenting time expeditor process, must not be subpoenaed or called as witnesses in court proceedings.

(c) Notes, records, and recollections of parenting time expeditors are confidential and must not be disclosed to the parties, the public, or anyone other than the parenting time expeditor unless:

(1) all parties and the expeditor agree in writing to the disclosure; or

(2) disclosure is required by law or other applicable professional codes.

Notes and records of parenting time expeditors must not be disclosed to the court unless after a hearing the court determines that the notes or records should be reviewed in camera. Those notes or records must not be released by the court unless it determines that they disclose information showing illegal violation of the criminal law of the state.

Subd. 5.Immunity.

A parenting time expeditor is immune from civil liability for actions taken or not taken when acting under this section.

Subd. 5a.Removal.

If a parenting time expeditor has been appointed on a long-term basis, a party or the expeditor may file a motion seeking to have the expeditor removed for good cause shown.

Subd. 6.Mandatory parenting time dispute resolution.

Subject to subdivision 1a, a judicial district may establish a mandatory parenting time dispute resolution program as provided in this subdivision. In a district where a program has been established, parties may be required to submit parenting time disputes to a parenting time expeditor as a prerequisite to a motion on the dispute being heard by the court, or either party may submit the dispute to an expeditor. A party may file a motion with the court for purposes of obtaining a court date, if necessary, but a hearing may not be held until resolution of the dispute with the parenting time expeditor. The appointment of an expeditor must be in accordance with subdivision 2. Expeditor fees must be paid in accordance with subdivision 2a.

 

Case Study

James (51) and Sarah (52) were married for 25 years before they decided to divorce. Not unlike many couples, they were faced with an empty nest after their two children left for college. When they arrived in my office, they showed all the signs of familiarity that such a long marriage entails.

At the time they were despondent, but they were also, given their age, quite realistic people. This is always something that can be capitalized on when helping a couple through divorce-related problems. The big issue they faced was the fact their son, Christopher (19), had special needs, and so he required round-the-clock attention.

I knew it was going to be a difficult case, but I was also positive that James and Sarah had a pragmatic streak that I could use to help them sort through their problems. The dilemma at the heart of proceedings was that James and Sarah both wanted to keep Christopher with them in their homes.

James had moved into a small house nearby, and had even outfitted his new home with the resources required to look after his son. The house they shared was still occupied by Sarah and had the resources needed for Christopher’s care.

Recognizing that they both clearly loved their son, I found the need, as with many couples, to remind them that trying to change one another is a trap. Although it is a cliché, people going through a divorce often times need to be reminded that they can only change themselves. The good news is than one person’s changes almost always precipitate the other person changing as well. In this instance, both James and Sarah were trying to convince the other of the proper living arrangements and visitation schedule. Their arguments were getting out of hand and clearly disruptive to Christopher. Like many couples, they believed that getting divorced would put a stop to chronic fighting. In fact, without outside intervention, most couples will continue the same type of bickering throughout and after the divorce process.

I asked James and Sarah what the consequences would be of continued fighting regarding living arrangements. I asked follow-up questions about the consequences surrounding the possibility that neither would give in. Like it often does, this type of questioning helps couples to reevaluate their situation. Both Sarah and James agreed that continued disagreements would be harmful to Christopher. I appreciated that this perspective came from them and not something that I needed to point out to them. In a relatively short time, this couple compromised on an outcome that would provide Christopher with an active life that allowed him to move between the homes fairly frequently.

With the living situation resolved, this couple was able to feel comfortable knowing that whatever the general faults of their partner, they knew the other was a good parent, and that this should take precedence over anything else. Once this had been affirmed, it was a short step to setting up a visitation schedule. Over time they even began to pool resources to make sure that Christopher had the optimal care possible. They had, in essence, bonded again over the love of their son.

This also allowed them the space to see one another from a different perspective. They no longer saw the other as the frustrating partner of old, but rather, as a unique and singular co-parent; dedicated to their son as they were. This transformation was a pleasure to witness. This case punctuates how easy it can be to overlook those under our care beneath the fog of divorce proceedings. The last time I encountered the couple, they brought Christopher along to meet me; a true honor.